Please have this sheet to hand before speaking to any well-versed SEO professional.

 

Things SEO’s say! What they really mean!
We need to build up our domain authority. Google doesn’t want to rank you because Your website has no backlinks.

 

Content is king. You need more content. Or you need to improve it.
I use the Skyscraper technique when creating content. I research the top-ranking content then copy it all in my own words. I also make sure my article is 500 words longer than everything else.
The site is suffering from low Lighthouse scores. Your site is slow & not very accessible.
Our crawl budget is not being used efficiently Your site has loads of dudd pages that have no real purpose & it’s hurting the pages that could rank.
Your site isn’t being indexed. Your site is dead to search engines & won’t appear; likely due to a technical fault.
You’ve got 404 errors that need to be resolved. Jesus, Mary, and Saint Joseph the good and kind carpenter, why are you linking to pages that don’t exist!
There are a few looping redirects on your site. You forgot you already had a redirect going to that page, didn’t you…
Our bounce rates are too high. Nobody likes using your site, so they leave it as soon as they arrive.
Your website doesn’t have a sitemap. Search engine crawlers have no clue where to go on your site.
We’re going to target long-tail keywords. Given your resources and how much you’re paying me, it’s unlikely I’ll rank you for head terms. So I’m going to go after a more achievable target.
Good SEO takes time. Your being impatient or unrealistic. Give me some space to work!
Our content is Evergreen. I’m going to create some content for your site that will remain topical/relevant for a really really long time. It’ll add more value that way.
You have issues with duplicate content issues. Have you ever heard of Canonical?
Your backlink profile is toxic. Why did you buy that budget SEO service last year?
Unfortunately I don’t provide free SEO audits. Why don’t you work for free…
I can’t guarantee page 1 rankings for a given keyword. I’m not a liar or the CEO of Google.
A quick NAP analysis has revealed inconsistencies. Why is your name, address & phone number different everywhere it appears!
That’s not a ranking factor. What you said is null & void. Move on.
I use an industry leading software stack. I use Google data studio & have a SEMRUSH subscription.
I offer free SEO audits. I’ll go into SEMRUSH and click one button to generate an audit. Then I’ll send you it.
I would recommend an integrated search approach. You should be doing SEO & using Google Ads.
I’m a certified SEO expert.  I went on MOZ and read through their A to Z SEO guide.
There are numerous errors with your HTML marke-up & use of attributes. Fire your web developer.
You have multiple orphan pages. Why do you have pages that no one will ever be able to get to?
Google Analytics isn’t installed. You have no historical data or way of telling if any of your online marketing is actually effective. Let’s make that happen.
Yes, but that’s a nofollow backlink. That site doesn’t want to stick it’s neck out for you.
I use White hat techniques. I operate by the book.
I use Gray hat techniques. I dabble in the dark arts & have been known to do some questionable things in the eyes of the authorities.
I use Black hat techniques. I plan to live fast & die young. So will your site.